Lost and Found
by SwirlySlidez
Summary: Red vs Blue fic. Caboose is missing. What's going on? Find out inside.


**This is a little story I wrote within the span of a couple hours. It was inspired by my friend Lanie's fish, whose name is Caboose. She has three. Caboose, Simmons, and Junior. I'll tell you what her little Blue Tard did after I tell you the story, though. Otherwise, it'd ruin this story.**

**Disclaimers are fun. I don't own these guys. Church? Tucker? Sarge? Simmons? Caboose? Grif? I don't own any of them. Though I wish I owned Church. But Burnie might find that statement disturbing. xD**

**Also, in this story, Church is alive and human. BUT, Caboose did kill him. It's all part of my brilliant plan to rewrite the series so that Church is human and the alien brought him back to life the same way he did Captain Flowers... ;D  
**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

**Lost and Found  
**

"TUCKER! Tucker, get your God-damned lazy ass in here now and help me find the fucking Rookie!"

Hey. Name's Church. And that is me, yelling at a very annoying, very lazy man named Lavernius Tucker… Who doesn't pick up after himself. And sits at his rock all day, jerking off. And who doesn't give a shit about anyone else around here. And who pisses me off. I was yelling at him this time because Caboose, our Rookie, had gone completely missing. I mean gone. I could not find him anywhere, and I was so not in the mood to look for him on my own.

It started at about 8:15 in the morning. We don't read time in 24 hour standard at Blue Base. I don't think I even remember that shit. It was 8:15 in the morning. 8:15 AM in the morning, if you're Caboose and you don't know what AM means. Anyway, I was walking the halls, making sure everyone was awake. I knew Tucker was. Tucker's always up before me. He says it's because he can't stand being around me when I first wake up. I'm not a morning person. I'm not a days person…

I'm just not social.

I got to Caboose's room and slammed my fist on the door a couple times, hollering at him to "get the fuck up so we can go spy on the Reds and bore the fuck out of ourselves like we do every day!" Except, Caboose wasn't in his room. I checked. The place was empty. So, here I was, hollering for Tucker to get away from his stupid rock and get his ass inside. Which he did, eventually.

His armor was not even completely on when he came back in. He held his helmet in hand and the codpiece was probably inside the helmet, because I sure as Hell didn't see it on the armor. That only proved to confirm how Tucker wakes himself up in the morning.

He's been wearing his hair in dreds these days. It's long. Too long and very not regulation, but I'm not one to talk. I've got long, messy hair that falls all over the place and gets in my eyes inside my helmet. It's probably part of the reason I can't fucking hit anything with the sniper rifle. He had this stupid grin on his face when he came in.

"You can't find Caboose?" he asked, way too happy in my opinion.

"No, Tucker. I can't. In fact, I've searched the entire base. He's not there. But guess what is?"

I held up Caboose's abandoned helmet. He'd had the sense of mind to go out in armor, because I couldn't find that anywhere, but his helmet had been left on a table in the mess hall, forgotten next to half a glass of milk. Tucker gaped at me a long moment. I knew that'd catch his attention.

"Wait," he said, his mind finally snapping awake. "That little idiot left his helmet behind? He wore all of his armor EXCEPT his helmet?"

I nodded.

"Wow. How is he still alive?"

"He won't be for long if that Red C.O. finds him," I reminded the Aqua soldier, again catching his attention.

"Shit, man. We gotta find him."

"What do you think I've been trying to do? While you were outside touching yourself, I've been turning this place upside down looking for him. I'm half convinced the fucking Reds stormed right on in here and took him!"

"I would have seen them!" Tucker growled.

"Oh yeah. Sure you would have. Tucker, you're not the only guy in existence who masturbates. I know how secluded from the world you can get. Fuckin' Shiela coulda blown a hole through the side of the building and you'd have sat there with your head thrown back thinking it was the world exploding right along with you."

"Dude, that's gross."

"You're the one who has to go outside to do something that belongs inside," I muttered, stalking out of the main room of the base. Sometimes, it's like talking to a child. I mean, I think that Caboose might actually be the smarter one of the two. At least he can follow a conversation… for the most part. If there's nothing shiny around. God, I'm working with idiots.

I gathered up my armor, pulling it on begrudgingly. I really hadn't wanted to start the day quite yet. Putting on the armor is the least favorite part of the job. The undersuit's too tight and it itches like crazy. And if you wear underwear under it, it rides funny and you've got an all-day wedgie, so you gotta go Commando. Which is gross, because it's really fucking hard to clean that undersuit anyway. And then, the actual armor's like one of those old metal suits of armor, from the fucking Middle Ages, you know? Except it's high-tech and everything. Whoop-dee-fuckin'-do. It's just annoying, in my opinion. And pointless. No one in this canyon can shoot for shit. Although, that pink guy's got a really great arm.

When I finished and got out to the main room again, Tucker was all in order once again. No codpiece out of place and his helmet was on. He was holding a pistol in one hand, staring across the room at my sniper rifle. Gotta be honest, I'm shocked he didn't dart across the room and steal it when I was getting dressed. I grabbed up the rifle and started for the exit.

"Let's hope he's just wandering around like a little fucknut and there's nothing wrong," I said over the helmet radio.

I could hear Tucker snort in laughter. "He probably got his dick stuck in that hole in that weird tree."

"Sounds like something you'd do, Tucker. Grab the kid's helmet?"

A rustling behind me was all the proof I needed that Tucker had actually listened to me. That was a shock. He doesn't do that very often. I guess he was worried about the Rookie as much as I was. Well, at least a little bit. I don't know if he could be as worried as I was. Because, for some stupid ass reason, I was really fuckin' worried.

We got out of the Base and I lead Tucker in a wide circle of the area, looking everywhere. I couldn't see anyone out in the canyon, except for one of the Reds way off by their base. The orange one. He was sitting out in the Warthog, helmet off, smoking a cigarette. I stopped and looked back to Tucker.

"Hey Tucker, watch that Red jump."

Tucker snickered.

I hefted the sniper rifle to my face and fired a single shot. It hit the front tire of the Warthog and flattened it. Grif jumped right out of the thing, screaming and cursing. I could hear Tucker's laughter in the speakers of the helmet and I couldn't help but join in. Grif hopping up and down and screaming at us is a pretty funny sight.

He stopped after a while and caught sight of us. I waved casually and looked around some more. I was still looking for Caboose after all. A few moments later and the Red was next to us, his helmet back on, though he hadn't bothered to draw his weapon.

"Th'fuck was that for?" he asked angrily.

"Smoking'll kill ya," Tucker said, too quick for me to react. He burst into another set of laughter then.

"Dude, it wasn't that funny," I growled. "Hey, Red guy… You seen our Rookie?"

Grif looked about ready to strangle Tucker. I know that feeling. After a moment, he shook his head and lowered his arm that, I think, he'd raised completely subconsciously toward Tucker's throat. Not like Tucker noticed.

"No, man. Why would I? You guys stay at your base. We stay at ours. That's the rule."

"Since when do any of us follow rules?" I asked.

He nodded. "True," he muttered. "You mean you just can't find him?"

"Nah, man. He's just gone. I thought maybe you guys might've-"

"Nope. I'm the only one awake right now. Simmons is rebooting or something. Donut claims he needs his beauty rest and… Well, let's just say I've never been more happy to have brought some knock-out pills along with me from Earth. Fuckin' Sarge pisses me off sometimes."

"You drugged the Sergeant?"

Grif shrugged. "Yeah, so?"

"Wanna help us find Caboose then?" Tucker asked.

"Alright, yeah. I could use a stretch and stuff," Grif agreed. "Not to mention, it's more fun than sitting around trying to blow smoke rings. Sometimes, when I'm all alone over there, it makes me realize things that scare the shit outta me."

"Like what? Donut's a girl and you're secretly in love with Simmons?" I asked. Tucker and I have had a bet running on that one for a while. The Simmons and Grif disgusting love thing. Not the Donut being a girl. We all know that one.

Grif didn't answer. In fact, he just turned and stalked off to the West. After he made it a few yards from us, he clicked onto our frequency and said, "I'll look this way. Let you know if I find him."

"Right."

"Man, Church. I think you really pissed him off."

"Ah, fuck it, Tucker. He's just PMSing."

"You know, I can still hear you guys, right?"

Tucker let up a violent stream of curses at that one. I just laughed. Come on… You gotta admit it was pretty funny.

We ran around the canyon, all three of us, for about two hours searching for Caboose. During the first hour, I was just pissed. I mean, seriously… Where could he have gone? But, as the second hour crept around, I got this feeling in my gut, like I was never gonna see him again. That scared me, really badly.

Tucker and I can't stage a good defensive with just the two of us, and even with Caboose we're a weak team… But at least with Caboose we're a little bit stronger. And the quiet times at the base are few and far between. I can't stand the quiet around there these days, so having Caboose around constantly yappin'? It helps. It really does.

I think that's part of why, when I was close to giving up and I was pretty sure Grif and Tucker had already, I felt like I might cry. I'd never realized how much I enjoyed the Rookie's company really. And now that I was looking at life without him once again, I was scared shitless. I was so used to him. He was a staple in my life. He was, dare I say it, my friend. And I would probably never see him again. Ever.

My self-doubt and depressed thoughts drove me out near the caves. They're a pretty good place to mope, as I've learned over the years. I got to the one closest to Blue base and sat just inside the entrance. Pulling off my helmet, I let my head fall back against the cave wall, growling at nothing in particular, I guess.

"Caboose, where are you?" I don't think the cave walls could have told me where he was, but asking them seemed to ease the pain of losing him.

There was a noise in the cave. A rustling of metal, armor. It moved closer and stopped suddenly. Silence. I brought my sniper rifle up and peered into the darkness.

"Who's there?"

No answer. Great. I guess killed by cave-monster is a good way to go. Already been killed by a Caboose. The rustling came again, then stopped. I stood up and backed away from the cave, helmet forgotten on the cave floor. Fuck that. I'd rather run and risk getting shot in the head than stay for the helmet and get eaten.

"Church?"

It was a small voice. Small and very dumb-sounding. Very farm boy with no brains in his head. Very Caboose.

"Rookie?"

"Church! It's me! Caboose!" He bounced out of the cave on the balls of his feet. He clapped his hands in front of himself and squeezed his eyes shut as he did some… stupid little dance. Like a victory dance, only so much more awkward because of the armor.

"What were you DOING in there, Caboose?" I could feel my heart pounding with relief. He didn't look cut up. He didn't look hurt at all. Perfectly fine, actually.

Caboose smiled widely and ran right up to me, grabbing my elbows and trying to pull me into his little dance. "I was playing Hide 'n' Seek, Church! And you won. Because you found me! Isn't that great?"

To say my jaw dropped would be an understatement. I was confused. I was shocked. I was livid.

Shoving the Rookie off my frame, I straightened my spine and stood my full height (sadly not taller than Caboose by nearly a mile; he's really tall), glaring at him. "Do you mean to tell me that all this time Tucker and I have been worrying our asses off looking for you, thinking you might have been kidnapped by the fucking Red, even RECRUITED one of them to help us find you, you were playing Hide. And. SEEK?"

Caboose's shrank back. Something about that tone in my voice makes him wet his uniform, I swear. He clasped his hands in front of himself and looked down, staring at my feet. My armor clad feet that so wanted to be shoved right up his ass for scaring the shit out of me like that.

"Well?"

He looked up then, flinching. "I was bored," he said in a tiny voice.

And my resolve broke. Much like it always does with him. I can never really stay mad at him for long. Usually, I'm just lucky enough to be wearing my helmet, so I can still yell at him without him seeing that I'm not really 100% into it. But I wasn't wearing my helmet this time, and there was no hiding how the glare melted away and was replaced by Concerned Church. He's a man that doesn't exist, according to the rest of the world. I would have preferred it stay that way.

I sighed and put out an arm. "C'mere."

Caboose shuffled closer, carefully and slowly. He finally reached the edge of my hand, just enough that I could grab him, and I pulled him into a tight hug.

"Caboose. Hide and Seek only works if you tell everyone else that you're actually playing it."

**END.**

**Yeah, so see? It's cute, no? I liked the way it turned out.**

**See, what Lanie's fish did was this. She went to check on them all, and she's got the tank set up with separations so they don't beat each other up. Simmons doesn't like Caboose or Junior and Junior's always mad and Caboose just likes to play. But, when she went to check on them? Caboose was missing. She could not find him. Anywhere. At all. His part of the tank was EMPTY. Butbut, then like... he popped his head out of his little shell. Yeah. He was hiding. xD  
**


End file.
